


"It's him"

by Marber312



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Caring Philip, Carring Helen, Confession, Eyewitness fanfic, F/M, Gabe being a nice dad, Happy Ending, Instead of episode 8, Lukas coming clean, M/M, Panic Attack, Philip deserves a good family, Philkas - Freeform, They see Ryan, Worried Gabe, Worried Lukas, background Helen/Gabe, caring Lukas, dad!gabe, eventually understanding Bo, mom!Helen, motherly Helen, not good at summaries, or tagging, protectiv Gabe, scared lukas, so he gets one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-07 08:24:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8790598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marber312/pseuds/Marber312
Summary: Philip insisted he'd come with Lukas and Helen to the sheriff station for Lukas witness protection information meeting. And in steps Ryan - the very man whose face he's been afraid of seeing for months.He needs Lukas to know 'it's him.'  With the panic rising and locking him in place, he just wonders how. Philip gets a severe panic attack seeing the shooter but luckily for him both Lukas and Helen is there to help him through it.Seeing Philip's wrecked state Lukas guilt wins over and he comes clean to Helen who pretty much puzzled the pieces together.





	1. I'm next

**Author's Note:**

> I am so in love with the show and the chemistry of Lukas and Philip and I like how the show is forming. But after seeing episode 8 I decided to give my own fic a chance as an alternative.
> 
>  
> 
> It's not beta'd and I finished writing it last night so it's not top notch and switching POWs but hopefully good!

Lukas was going to talk about his witness protection with one of the FBI agents about how they were going to do things, and perhaps even decide to go to some far off location for protection, so Philip had come with. Helen already expected, if not knew, that they were practically a couple and had let him come along with her to the sheriff station. He didn’t know if she felt sorry for him for having his boyfriend leaving or if she figured since he had helped Lukas ‘come clean’ and had helped him through one the roughest patches so far, he’d be able to calm Lukas down – Lukas wasn’t the calmest person at the moment, which was understandable but hard to work with - Philip didn’t know and didn’t really care which, what mattered was that he was allowed to go with and be there.

Lukas had parked his motorcross at Helen and Gabe’s place since Helen at the moment had the responsibility for his safety. The trio arrived at the sheriff station and Helen parked the car in its parking spot. They went inside to the office and waited for Lukas’ escort/safety details instructor to arrive. Philip was still stressing out about the murderer seeing him, figuring out that he was the second _real_ witnesses and go after him too since he - unlike Lukas - was still unprotected. Helen was unaware of the real situation since he had promised Lukas not to tell and therefor wouldn’t unless Lukas told him otherwise, even if it ate at him. He repeated Lukas’ words in his head to try and calm down; the killer probably thought Lukas was the only witness left (alive) and wouldn’t even look for him. It didn’t quite get the job done but it helped at least a little. He pushed his own selfish fear down as he looked at Lukas, seeing his worried frown and repeated sighs. Philip was more worried about the definite threat on Lukas life - Helen wouldn’t have called for protection from the _FBI_ if she didn’t have definite reasons to believe someone was after him - than on his own, even if his stress levels and anxiety were through the roof.

Philip hung back as Lukas paced back and forth on the limited space there were in the small office. Helen was checking her phone, leaning against her table closest to the door as they heard the sound of a car parking outside. They all looked up as the black car came to a stop and the front door opened.

Philip’s world froze. His heart stopped and sank all the way to the floor. He had only seen the man’s profile through the window but it was the face that haunted him whenever he heard a noise in the house or someone was driving by just a little bit too slow. His heart rate picked up as the world slowly started again and doubled just like it had on the bus seeing the man for the second time in his life and his instincts told him to run. Run for his life and never turn around. Lukas had stopped pacing just in front of him at the sound and he saw in slow motion how Lukas turned towards the door to walk towards it. His palms where clammy and he started to feel sweaty, panic spreading through his entire body. Why wasn’t Lukas panicking? Why didn’t he call out for Helen to lock the door and arrest him? Why was Lukas turning towards the door instead of running away like he should? Then it dawned upon him like a fist to the gut. Lukas had never seen the shooters face or he could at least not remember it. Lukas had talked about his nightmares and seeing how the man was about to kill Philip, but he never spoke of his cold, calculating face of death. Philip was the one who had the man’s face embedded in his memory. Lukas had the rest.

His blood ran cold. He couldn’t let Lukas leave without knowing. He’d be dead within seconds with that man. Lukas was starting to move towards the door. He had to do something, anything. Philip’s throat was clogging up. He had barely room to breathe so he wondered how he would ever be able to speak but he had to. Lukas had to know, so Philip grabbed his arm right before it went out of reach. The man was soon by the door. Oh god.

Lukas gave the grip a questioning look and frowned immediately when he looked to Philip’s face, his own face going from relived to worried; worry increasing for each second Philip only stood cemented stiff on the spot holding his arm with a bruising force. He looked almost grey and the colour was still fading from his face like if he wasn’t breathing properly. He gave Philip another questioning look.

Philip saw Lukas’ questioning look as well as the worry rising. He tried to will his voice to speak but it had locked down. The man was stepping up towards the door now. He gave Lukas a look of desperation and Lukas took a step closer. He forced out a low raspy “It’s him”, Lukas wouldn’t have heard it if he hadn’t been so close, before turning his widening eyes towards the turning doorhandle.

Lukas' eyes widened when the realization of what Philip actually said sank in and he shot around as the man reached the door. Lukas hadn’t recognized, hadn’t been able to tell the face apart from any other, but Philip had. The grip on his arm hardened ever so slightly, from bruising to crushing. He could feel in Philip’s grip alone, without seeing his face, how truly terrified he was. He ripped his gaze from the man on the other side of the closed door to Helen. He croaked out “Helen.” Right before the door opened.

The door opened and the murderer was once again in the same room as the two of them. It felt like Philip’s heart was trying to jump out of his chest. The room stretched out before him in a long narrow way from him to the black haired man of nightmares, the rest of his field of vision was out of focus. He was trapped and his every instinct told him not to look at the man in case he’d recognize him and kill them all instantly. He felt sick. His stomach was twisting and turning urging him to throw up. He heard Helen call out a short ‘Hello Ryan’ but it sounded so far away. He didn’t even see that she turned towards Lukas with a frown wondering why he had called her. Lukas had gripped his arm; his own grip gone without knowing when he let go. Lukas was watching him with frenetic and panicked eyes. When Philip looked up he saw blue. He couldn’t focus on looking into Lukas pupils or watch the different kinds of blue in his irises; he only saw blue and blurry white blond fuss at the edges. Lukas had to be standing close since he took up his entire field of vision now. His stomach turned again. In a blur of motion the blue and blond Lukas was out of sight before being back with something dark between them just in time for Philip’s knees buckling and heaving into the bucket Lukas had provided at the same time. 

Helen turned as Lukas, sounding alarmed, called her. She said hello to Ryan as he opened the door and the second after, when she was turning around she heard the sound of heaving.

She turned fully and took in the sight in front of her. Lukas was petting Philip’s arm and head, looking worried as Philip, pale as a sheet was sitting sunken down on his knees on the floor, bent over and head down the bucket standing in front of him; a tight grip around the edges like he’d fall over if he didn’t have something to hold onto. Alarms went off in her head. She couldn’t tell immediately but something was off and it wasn’t good. Philip could have just gotten sick, not noticing before but she realized that if he was feeling unwell he wouldn’t be shaking with eyes that looked like a bunny eye to eye with a fox. Helen knew far too well by personal experience he wasn’t just simply sick. She hurried forward and kneeled down beside Lukas leaving Ryan by the door.

She took in more of Philip’s condition and she felt a little pang in the heart. Philip had been through a lot but he’d never looked worse. He was pale and sweating, trembling like a leaf and he could barely focus his gaze on anything; his eyes jumping from one place to the next within seconds not able to catch onto something. She felt Lukas leaning ever so slightly closer to whisper lowly “It’s him.” She looked at Philip. Who’s him? Her eyes widened as she heard the shuffle of feet behind her. She wanted to turn around and look at the FBI agent behind her. She looked disbelieving at Lukas but he looked panicked; so panicked, frightened and earnest, the kind of panicked he had been when he told her Philip hadn’t lied, he had. The kind of panicked he’d grab any kind of safety he could find. The kind of panicked one confessed truths. Philip belched again and she heard steps coming forward. “Is everything alright?” She knew she had to answer, say something plausible so they could leave without being suspicious _if_ Lukas was right.

She saw how Philip tensed at the voice, freezing up completely. His gaze panicked and stopped moving, frozen right in front of him without seeing anything. It didn’t look like he was even breathing. Lukas shuffled even closer stroking Philip's hair and face in messy motions and Philip bent his head down again. When the lump in her stomach started to grow large she heard it, in small echoings the bucket created, Philips breath coming out in small sharp huffs. She needed to get Philip out of there and away from the current situation. She nodded decisively towards Lukas and stood up. “I’m sorry Ryan, but Philip is not feeling well”. Lukas grabbed Philip’s arm and put it over his shoulder and stood up. “So we need to get him home.” She didn’t leave room for discussion when saying **we** , Lukas was coming with her and Philip and that was final.

As Lukas hurried with Philip towards the door it looked like Philip’s legs tried to give out from under him. She couldn’t hide her worried frown. She smiled apologetic not managing to mask her worry very well. “We’ll have to re-schedule. If there’s anything you need just ask Tony, he’ll be back any minute.” It looked like Ryan was about to argue and turn around to catch Lukas but shut up as Helen, with determined steps walked past. He nodded slowly muttering a low " 'key". She grabbed the keys from her desk and a plastic bag. With an “I’m sorry,” she closed the door and followed the boys outside.

It seemed like the fresh air did Philip good as he shook less once out of the office but he was still not breathing normally. It was still too short for her liking. She, with the help of Lukas, got Philip into the back seat and buckled him in and closed the door. It seemed like Philip wanted to help but was too tensed and out of focus to do so properly. Lukas hurried to the other side as Helen jumped into the driver seat. As soon as the boys were both buckled in she hit reverse out of her parking spot and then speeded home.

She kept glancing over to Philp in the mirror. She knew how utterly horrible it was being in his position. Lukas had taken the middle seat to be able to have Philip nestled up in his arms. He was petting his brown hair nervously mumbling telling him to breathe. She didn’t know if he was actually helping since Lukas wasn’t breathing very calmly either.

Lukas had given Philip the bag in case of being sick again but it lay loosely in Philip’s non-exiting grip. When Helen pulled onto the road out of the city Philip shut his eyes tight looking ready to puke again, he looked to be in pain and he clutched onto Lukas arm and shirt as tight as his weak grip could get. She noticed that Lukas started swaying them ever so slightly back and forth holding Philip impossibly closer. He was almost dragging him onto his lap; he would have if the seat belts hadn’t stopped them. When she looked back into the mirror again she was met with his panic-stricken eyes. “He’s shaking!”

Helen tried to use her calmest and most assertive tone. She almost sounded motherly when she spoke. “Just try to calm him down the best you can. Try and make sure he doesn’t start hyperventilating.” She turned her eyes to the road. “We’re soon home,” she said, trying to calm them both down and they soon were. Sometimes it was a good thing being a sheriff in a small town if she didn’t give them a speeding ticket no one would.

The car came to a halt and Philip had no idea where they were. Lukas was beside him and he was fairly certain Helen had been driving but even though he was pretty sure they had somehow gotten home he couldn’t help the speeding up of his breathing as car doors opened. What if he were somewhere else? When Lukas' arms disappeared and he could no longer feel him beside him his heart picked up again, hammering painfully hard against his chest. He faintly heard his name. His seat belt clicked open. “Philip it’s me. I need you to help me here.” He prayed his eyes open and was met with Helen’s warm ones. “That’s good. Focus on me for a second Philip. I need you to help to get out.” He turned and she smiled at him “One leg at a time.” He moved but it felt like he was treading water, it was slow and heavy but he pushed on. He felt ground beneath his feet and let himself slide down.

He leaned against Helen and once again felt Lukas beside him so he started to relax. They were home. They had gotten away but then something slammed. He jumped and his knees buckled. The house was replaced by the cabin. Another shot. He jerked and then there was another. He saw the man fall to the ground right beside him and he tried not to breathe in case the shooter would hear him when all he wanted to do was scream. The blood from the man beside him was so close. It almost touched his jacket. It almost reached him. He heard footsteps and tried to make himself small, maybe then he wouldn’t be seen and the shooter would go away but then the footsteps stopped. He turned his head and looked right into hard and cold grey eyes and a gun pointed at him. His world slowed down. He was going to die. The cold blue eyes had just mercilessly killed three men, one of which had begged for his life and he was next. He was next.

He felt two strong arms pick him up. He was next. He swayed as he was carried but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t see anything but red blood and dead stares. He was next. His heart tightened impossible harder. He was already dying, he could feel it.

Helen knew what was happening. She had been through it enough times to know what was going on. It was tough to go through, tough to see but not lethal even though it sure felt that way. As long as Philip didn’t start hyperventilating again to the point he fainted there were no need to be worried. But he was starting to do just that when Gabe sat him down on the couch. Lukas was pacing back and forth as she had told him to stay back just for a while so he wouldn’t freak Philip out more than he already was. He seemed so out of it, she doubted he knew what was happening; having someone grab him would most certainly push him over the already fast approaching edge.

She sat down in front of him and spoke calmly. “I’m going to touch your knees now.” She put her hands on his knees and made short movements on his knees and thigh with even pace with her palms; motions which were easy to follow and looked him straight in the eye. “Philip, you are home now. You’re safe.” She continued on talking calmly, explaining what had happened in the car, when they got home. She explained how the door had slammed shut when Gabe had rushed out towards them sensing the stressed atmosphere. She told him how Gabe had carried him inside when his knees gave out. She repeated that he was safe with them and that nothing was happening. She, in the greatest detail she could, described the living room and where they were sitting, that Lukas was pacing behind her and that the panic would go away even though it felt bad now. She continued to describe their immediate surroundings and whatever else she remembered she had been calmed down by.

After a while she could see how Philip was getting more present in the moment. When he focused on her she let out a small smile. Anything that soothed his panic attack was a step forward. She even realized in her fretting state that she cared for him in a way that made her want all the bad things happening to him to go away to never come back. He was a sweet kid who didn’t deserve even half of the crap he had been through. She knew by having panic attacks on her own how horribly they felt and she deeply wished he had never had to experience it. But he had, so all that was left was to make sure he calmed down and make sure he'd get the help he needed to make sure he wouldn't get another. When he started to look around the room with aware eyes looking for the people present in the room, she gave Lukas a nod and he rushed forward and sat down next to him and put his arms around him. Philip closed his eyes and leaned against him, looking exhausted.

Lukas felt his racing heart pace itself. “You okay?” He asked worriedly. Helen had been calm and told him it wasn’t anything dangerous but it had been scary. He didn’t know what to do and Philip had seemed so terrified he himself got scared.

Philip looked at him with tired eyes, tried his best to smile and nodded. He didn’t have the energy to say anything. Lukas moved a little to merge them together even further, tucking Philip closer to his chest and further away from the rest of the world. Petting and kissing his hair, his cheek, anything he could reach. He didn’t care Helen and Gabe saw them, he didn’t care they obviously knew about them now. Philip was calmed by Lukas breathing and presence beside him, his smell having his head pressed to Lukas' chest. he was just so tired his breath deepened and he was soon snoozing against him.

Lukas felt how Philip grew heavier in his arms but didn’t move and let him sleep for a while only caring about the fact that he was better now. After a while Helen nodded to him and he knew they had to talk. They had needed to talk ever since he told her the FBI agent was the killer and Philip freaked out. He moved and Philip moved to lay down with the arm rest as head rest. As Lukas stood up to join Helen in the kitchen he saw Gabe bring out a blanket and laid it over Philip’s sleeping form. He looked at Philip’s sleeping face. He looked calmer but he could see the lingering stress.

Gabe sat down on the chair beside the couch and patted Philip’s hair. “You made us very worried, you know.” Philips ‘hmmed’ and nestled further into the couch pulling the blanket to his liking, too tired to respond. Lukas couldn’t help a small smile. Philip really did belong here with Helen and Gabe they really cared and he needed that. Philip deserved that. He deserved having people who cared about his well-being and knew how to deal with stressful situations.

He left the two with a glance over his shoulder and sat down with a sigh on the kitchen chair. He could tell Helen was already in detective mode sitting in the chair next to him. It was the mode where it felt like she analysed every single twitch in his face and saw right through him. “So are you going to tell me how it is that you tell me that a very trusted FBI agent is the killer only you saw while Philip is the one getting a panic attack?”


	2. Finally free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lukas comes clean to Helen about his and Philip's relationship and about the details of the shooting they both witnessed. He doesn't know which he dislikes the most, being unrevertedly outed and letting them know what an ass he had been towards Philip or describing the murders.
> 
> Gabe is not fond of the boy who's mistreated his foster son but can't stay mad seeing how much they care for each other. 
> 
>  
> 
> [It's mostly Lukas angst, Gabe in parent mood and Helen being caring]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the chapter ended up being more Gabe orientated than I first planned. I guess I felt that someone needed to be pissed at Lukas for making Philip go through so much crap since Philip's isn't pissed himself?
> 
> I hope I haven't turned the story to mushy fluff but kept the feeling of the fic!

This time there was nothing to hide. Lukas was tired of lying and he was too worried about Philip holding down the secrets any longer to even try to come up with anything other than the truth. Philip had grown wearier and wearier and more and more stressed the weight of lying bearing down on him. Lukas had seen the signs but had been too scared himself, for completely different reasons, to act. Philip had time and time again urged him to tell because “secrets eat you up inside and it only gets worse with time”. So he had confessed, at least to the point where he wasn’t really lying anymore. He hadn’t told his father or Helen that Philip had been in the cabin with him that night, and not why they had been there but he had told them the rest; it was more of withholding information than lying. Philip was though still lying, every day. He practically lied every single day to his foster mother which also happened to be the towns’ sheriff, because he had told Lukas he wouldn’t say anything; because Lukas had _made_ him promise. He felt his stomach drop. It was because of him Philip had to be _carried_ inside the house because of the severity of his panic attack. If Lukas hadn’t been so terrified of losing his sponsorship and getting outed as gay, Philip wouldn’t have had to be in that kind of situation to begin with; they would probably have been able to ID and catch the guy long ago or they **both** would have been protected at least. If he hadn’t been so selfish Philip wouldn’t have felt so vulnerable and alone he’d panic in the first place.  He just didn’t know how to tell.

He thought about his father, he thought about his future carrier and if it would be ruined. He thought about people at school, it was as Philip had said; it was a very small town where everything has a tendency to get out. He swallowed hard. Philip was more important than all that. He looked over his shoulder to Philip’s sleeping form. Gabe was still petting his brown hair, it almost looked flat with all the patting it down. The sponsors hadn’t dropped him when they were informed he was an eyewitness. And it was 2016 in the rest of the world outside Tivoli. If these sponsors dropped him, well it would suck since he had trained hard to get them, but he’d get others or he’d make it another way. He wasn’t going to stay in Tivoli forever and with Philip skill getting his own motocross talent on video along with his support he would get noticed. He hoped. He wanted to tell Helen to be quiet about it all so he wasn’t outed in a magazine or somewhere very public; it was going to be hard as it already but for him to ask her that he needed to tell her first.

Lukas took a deep breath. “He was there with me.” Helen just looked at him and he realised he needed to be more specific. He felt his voice shake and stutter; there was still something in him that wanted to deny it all so he didn’t have to come out, at least not out loud. He took another deep breath. Helen and Gabe already suspected or already knew they were together, by the look in Helen’s eyes she was waiting to see if her new speculations were true.

“I wasn’t there stealing gas.” He looked down into the table. He could _feel_ Helen urging him on, it wasn’t much information. He knew it wasn’t but it was **hard.** He never admitted things unless he was under severe pressure or alone with Philip. He looked back to his side over his shoulder again. Philip was frowning in his sleep and Gabe had moved closer. It looked like Gabe was telling him something; it seemed to be working since Philip’s frown slowly eased away. He kept his eyes locked at Philip. Philip deserved caring, calm and understanding foster parents who could calm him down when he was so calm, understanding and caring, but it didn’t mean Gabe and Helen should have to calm him down or worry about their foster son getting anxiety attacks.

He glanced back to Helen and he knew she understood what he was meaning to say even if the details were blurry. He looked up through his eyelashes. “Philip had just filmed a few of my stunts out by the tracks.” Lukas clasped his hands together and stared at them like if they could tell the story for him. He knew his knuckled whitened as he forced himself to continue by how hard he was gripping his fingers. “Afterwards we went to the cabin to look at the video, post it online and then shared a beer.” He wanted to stop there. The rest wasn’t important; except that it would explain why they stayed at the cabin. Except that it would explain to Helen why he was such an utter arsehole and Philip was one of the most enduring people he had ever met. Without the rest Philip wasn’t an eyewitness, it would be Philip against Lukas and Philip had already been accused of being a liar.  “And..” Lukas words froze. He breathed but he couldn’t get anything else out. “And…” He was still stuck. He stared down into the table; his blood had turned to ice. He just couldn’t say it. He didn’t care that they already knew, he just couldn’t say it.

“Stuff happened.” He looked up shocked as Helen had continued for him. “Stuff that made you realize you couldn’t be the guy people from here expects you to be, your dad included?” Lukas was at a loss for words. She had put all his inner turmoil into words so simply and without even having him actually saying anything himself. He took a deep breath, a breath of relief. He understood more than ever now why Philip had told his family about his sexuality. They could say whatever they wanted, he was free now. He could never be someone he wasn’t anymore, the secret was out. He didn’t have to pretend. He could be him, just as unhindered as when he was alone with Philip. He was free. “Yeah.” He breathed out. He thought his world would shatter. He waited for something to happen but Helen just sat there, the world didn’t even shake beneath him. He was stuck in shock at how normal she made it seem, how unchanged her views on him were until he realized why she was staring so intensely at him. For her, that wasn’t the important part. She was still waiting for the real answers. He shook his head to get back on track. He had feared this exact moment for so long that he hadn’t thought about what would come after; what he’d do if his world didn’t shatter, if his life wasn’t tipped upside down, and by the looks of it: it was just tilting. There was still a long way to go, a lot of people who’d know his secret, a lot of people talking about it but now there were a sense of no return and it was somehow comforting. He didn’t have to lie anymore, to anyone.  

“Then we heard a motor. When I looked through the window it wasn’t my dad’s car so we freaked. Philip hid under the bed and I in the closet.” He looked from his hands to Helen back and forth. Helen nodded gravely. “I don’t actually remember so much more than after he, the man from the trunk, had shot the three duds he saw Philip under the bed and pointed his gun at him. I remember that I banged him in the head so he stopped moving, and then I grabbed Philip and ran.” Helen nodded. “What happened then? Why did you throw the gun in the lake?” Lukas shook his head and dragged his hands though his hair, it was too much at the same time. “I can’t remember. I know we drove off and we had the gun and I had to get rid of it.” “Why did you have to get rid of it?” Lukas frustratedly sighed again.  “I don’t know. I think I had it in my hand. It had my prints. They couldn’t know we were there.” “Because of the stuff?” Lukas looked horrified at her, eyes looking wild. She tried to smile comforting. “Lukas, it’s fine. I need to know your side of the story to fill in the blanks of what happened.” Lukas nodded and tried to calm down. He knew Helen wasn’t going after him personally. He was finally free but he hadn’t gotten used to the freedom. He was waiting for the words he knew was about to come when he came out publicly. “Yeah, and I didn’t want to be a part of any of it.”

Helen nodded, looking something between understanding, horrified and angry. “Could you go back to before you knocked the shooter? Could you ID the man’s face?” Lukas shook his head with a defeated expression and saw how Helen’s eyes travelled to Philip. She definitely looked a bit angrier now and then it seemed like something hit her. Her eyes flew from Philip back to him. She stood up, her eyes full of suspicion. “What did Philip have on that night?” Lukas looked up “His leather jacket”. Lukas felt nauseous; he knew what she had thought of. Just like Philip had said, the shooter – **Ryan** \- had killed Tommy because he was wearing his jacket because he had thought it was Philip he was going after. Helen held her hand over her mouth and before Lukas could say anything else she walked passed him into the living room and kneeled down beside Philip and stroked his cheek. Lukas turned so he could see what happened. He saw Helen mumbling something to Gabe. Gabe looked up surprised to Lukas before frowning. Lukas saw his stare freeze before quickly landing on Philip. His hand on Philip’s head stilled.

 

Gabe felt himself momentarily freeze. Helen had told him that she’d tell him what happened once she got answers, so he had patiently waited for them all evening. They were not what he had imagined them to be, he wasn’t prepared for what hit him.

He had been waiting for Helen to come home to put her against the wall about what was really going on but before he could his stomach had dropped at the sight of Helen, with great difficulty, getting Philip out of the car. He had without further thought rushed out of the house to aid and had first hand seen when Philip just fell. His body just stopped functioning completely and he fell. Helen had caught him by the hold on his waist but Gabe was the only one strong enough to pick him up and carry him inside. Helen had followed suit with worried eyes on Philip’s out of focus ones and only told him: “Panic attack.” He had imagined a bad call from the rehab, a close encounter with drug induced people, something very different to be the reason of his attack; being the second eyewitness in Helen’s case, which just hadn’t added up, and had seen the shooter wasn’t one of them.

Gabe had been infuriated with the lying from Helen’s part and the sneaking around, not being home or helping him take proper care of Philip, but he also sensed that his wife was one heck of detective, even if she came on a tad to strong sometimes and was awfully stubborn. His gaze turned to Philip and for a few seconds he wanted to pull him into his lap like a teddy bear. He knew Philip was safe with them now, but he had been in so much danger. So many things could have happened and they would never have known why. They could have lost him so many times over without the slightest clue of what was going on. When the initial fear settled he felt his anger rise towards Lukas. Not only had he punched Philip in the face at school, pushed him away in public, made it hard for him to get friends, been a mean homophobic bully, called him a liar and made them believe Philip was and used Philip’s care against him making him promise to keep such a horrific incident a secret - putting him in extreme danger – then Lukas had had the guts to, after all that, lay all his secrets and stress on Philip without repaying the favour. And then, to top it all off, he wanted Philip as his boyfriend in secret without the slightest shred of deserving to.

When his look turned to Lukas he felt, reluctantly, his anger shimmer away. Lukas looked devastated, so devastated the word didn’t seem big enough. He looked at Helen and Gabe with the kind of stubbornness and care that told him he’d go through hell fire from both of them, he wasn’t leaving. Nothing could get him away from Philip’s side now. And even more reluctantly did Gabe recall how happy Philip had been in Lukas’ company the latest days. He had suspected something was going on between them; well, he didn’t really suspect anything, he knew. The ruffled hair and shirts and the pink lips when coming out from the barn, or coming back into sight in general, was just the first of many things. He knew by the smiling and shoving at each other while still staying mere inches apart. The closeness of their faces and hands weren’t ‘best of friends behaviour’; not when it looked like they were seconds away from leaning in to kiss whenever they were close enough, only stopped by the watching eyes of the company around them.

He petted Philip’s hair again absent mindedly giving Helen his attention. “Is Lukas staying here?” Helen glanced over her shoulder; knowing far well what he actually meant. Were they going to let him stay or tell on him letting his father deal with the mess? They would have their hands full taking care of Philip alone. “Philip panicked when he saw the FBI agent Ryan,” She looked into Gabe’s eyes searching for answers, letting him know she was worried for both of them if it was true. Gabe looked horrified for a second before nodding. “They’ll both need someone looking after them, until things settles.” Gabe gave Lukas a glance, like after they’ve told Bo and see if Lukas could actually go home afterwards. He was more than familiar with the opinions of middle-aged men in small towns such as Tivoli. Being pushed away by that kind of aversion was unfortunately not that uncommon, still in the 21st century.

 Helen could feel herself smile a little. She wasn’t happy with either of the two boys. She didn’t like being lied to but that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to give them proper protection. She just worried how exactly she would do that. Gabe stood up and walked over to Lukas who stood in hurry, almost in attention. She could see the fear and fire in Lukas blue eyes. He knew better than anyone what he had dragged Philip through and even though Philip hadn’t lashed out about it didn’t mean his foster parents wouldn’t; they weren’t in love with him. They would never do anything other than being upset with him and perhaps scold him - not that he could know that - but he was in love with Philip so deeply he would go nowhere without him.

Lukas eyes grew wider the closer Gabe walked. He looked so stern and angry. He didn’t think Gabe was the kind of person who took out his anger on people or things but he still looked scary. He realized he had held his breath when Gabe laid a heavy hand on his shoulder when passing, stopping in his steps and said “You can stay here until things are sorted out.” And Lukas let out his held breath in relief. His legs felt like jelly. He had been so tense and scared that the relief was almost overwhelming. Helen got up from the floor and walked towards him too. “I need to investigate this and I’ll need a statement from Philip too,” She turned and stood so she could look at them both. “You will have to tell your father” His heart speeded up at the mere thought of it. Helen gave him a warm smile before he could start to freak out. “We’ll be with you if you want to. It’ll be fine.” He felt himself smile weakly. Helen patted his shoulder as she too passed “I’ll change out of my uniform, it’s getting late. We’ll talk about this more, tomorrow.” Lukas nodded turning towards her as she walked up the stairs.

He was caught between feeling almost happy by the relief and being horrified out of his mind at the thought of what was about to happen to his life. His thoughts were interrupted as he heard Philip starting to shift around on the couch. By the sounds of it he wasn’t waking calmly.

He rushed towards him as Philip opened his eyes looking around confused. He leaned down to his eyelevel as Philip started to sit up. “Hey, you okay?” he asked and by reflex brushed stray hairs out of Philip’s sleepy face. He could see the fizzling fear in Philip’s eyes ebb away. He was earned a nod and Philip sat up properly. Lukas took the seat beside him. Philip’s voice was raspy when spoke, “What happened?” Lukas felt the guilt once again building up. It was his fault Philip panicked, and if Philip hadn’t been there and warned him he’d be dead by now.

“You panicked.” Philip gave Lukas a confused stare. He couldn’t remember any of that. He couldn’t even remember how he even ended up home or why he had been sleeping on the couch. The last thing he remembered was them waiting for the agent to arrive and then his lungs had tightened and he had a hard time breathing.  He also remembered the immense fear and how his heart hurt. He vaguely remembered patting hands and tight embraces. He gave Lukas a confused look, it was all so fuzzy. “You ID the FBI agent as the shooter and then you started to-“, the memory of seeing the shooter entering the door, Lukas going towards him slammed back into his head. The fear, he couldn’t recollect anything further after he heard the man’s voice. He knew who the murderer was now. He was the one going after Lukas and no one knew.

Lukas stopped talking when he saw the bewildered look in Philip eyes. He saw how the events that had happened were starting to spin in his head and how his gaze was starting to panic just like it had at the station. He grabbed Philip’s face under his chin, making him look straight at him and nowhere else. “Calm down, Philip. We’re safe now.” He saw how Philip regained focus before slapping his hand away and stood up. “We’re not safe! There is an _FBI agent_ after you! We need to tell Helen!” Philip’s voice was growing louder for each phrase. Lukas grabbed his hand and pulled him down onto the couch. The second Philip was back on the sofa Lukas pulled him into his arms. “She knows. I told her.” He could feel Philip’s racing heart and quick breathing.

Philip took one big breath, breathing in the smell of Lukas’ hair. Helen knew. He felt a sense of calmness sweep over him. “Really?” He whispered. All his energy drained out of him. He could feel Lukas nod. He sank into the couch, or Lukas, or whatever he was leaning against. He felt his legs being pulled over Lukas’ and pulled closer. “Really.” He didn’t hear the footsteps until Helen was in the same room “Need to tell me what?” Philip wanted, by habit, to pull away from their intimate seating as they were no longer alone but as Lukas held his arm over his legs and didn’t make a single motion to move he stayed put. He pulled his head from Lukas shoulder and looked at her. “The shooter…” He began without knowing how to continue. She walked over to him and smiled warmly. “I know.” She looked to Lukas. It looked like she meant both about them as a pair _and_ the witness things. She probably did. She kneeled down in front of him and caressed his cheek lightly. It felt out of place and odd since it hadn’t felt like they had bonded in such a way yet and that Helen had always had reservations towards him but Philip didn’t mind the motion. It was very reassuring. “How are you feeling? Are you doing alright?” Philip nodded and couldn’t help a small smile. “Tired, but I’m fine,” He looked towards Lukas who was carefully watching him and then back to Helen. “Now.” He looked over Helen’s shoulder and saw Gabe leaning against the door frame to the living room with crossed arms smiling at them too and for the first time in a long time he took a deep and calm breath. For the first time in an even longer time he wasn’t worried and felt 100% cared and taken cared off. Helen smiled wider. “Good, we’ll take it easy tonight. I thought about making Gabe go and get pizza,” she almost winked as she looked over her shoulder to her husband who only chuckled - the rest of their nervousness slowly getting out of their system. She turned back to him with serious eyes. “We’ll need to talk, but not today.” Philip nodded, he wanted the lies out but he worried. If things went real bad he could move, Lukas couldn’t, his entire carrier could be ruined and it had definitely not been a fun experience not being to be able to control his fear and panic. He **really** didn’t want to do it again.

In the end, Gabe went to get pizza while Helen watched TV and Lukas and Philip was up in Philip’s room. It was blissfully calm just laying together hearing the muffled sounds of the TV downstairs. When Gabe came back with dinner it felt strangely normal sitting there together. Philip could tell Helen had questions she held back and that both she and Gabe stayed as far away from talking about the day’s events as they possibly could. It felt even weirder having Lukas at his side, holding his hand under the table, intertwining their legs while others were around, to lay in his arms on the couch while for once watching TV with his two foster parents. He didn’t mind, he didn’t mind at all, it felt unreal in a good way. It was so natural between them that evening, and Helen and Gabe were so unaffected about his and Lukas relationship Philip even thought they’d get the old ‘no closed doors’ routine when it was time for bed but to his surprise they didn’t say anything. They probably didn’t say anything because Philp fell asleep on the couch again and was more than ready for bed around eight thirty. He noticed the foreboding looks they shot Lukas as he followed when Philip went to get ready for bed but they didn’t say anything. Philip pondered if his panic attack and Lukas fretting was their free-pass for the night but he was too tired to give it more thought. He fell asleep next to Lukas as soon as they lay down. He wished things could stay like that but of course it couldn’t. Reality had the annoying habit of catching up.

Philip was woken by Lukas trashing about sweaty and fighting their cover. Philip sat up and was almost hit in the gut as Lukas trashed more violently. He avoided being hit a few more times before he lay down on Lukas flinging arm so he could hold his face. “Lukas.” He stroked his cheek. Lukas tried to free his arm desperately “Lukas, wake up! It’s only a bad dream.” Lukas' eyelids opened and he took in the room around him before his eyes landed on Philip concerned frown. It was now Philip’s turn to pat his hair in calming motions. “It was a bad dream Lukas, we’re fine here.” Philip didn’t have the energy to be more comforting and calming as his own lids started to drop. He lay down on Lukas' chest, feeling how his breathing slowed down, still holding his hand to Lukas cheek. “It’s fine. It’s just a bad dream.”

Lukas had once again dreamt about Philip getting shot but this time it had felt so real since the man had turned around towards him to finish the job and he had then seen Ryan’s face. The whole horror picture was now complete with the face in place staring harshly at him; looking at him like an annoying hassle. He held onto Philip’s hand resting on his cheek and pulled him closer. No matter how close they were it always seemed like they weren’t close enough.

The unease didn’t stop there. Philip was startled awake by a loud noise and without thought ran downstairs. His heart pounded in his throat, what if Ryan had decided to come for Helen to get her out of the way?

Gabe only stared at him when he ran out on the porch in nothing but his underwear looking frenetically over the yard. Gabe started to walk towards him with a frown. “What’s the matter?” Philip was still looking around frenetically searching for something. “What was that sound? Where’s Helen?” He saw Gabe started to smile nervously. “You don’t really like doors do you?” He pointed to his car, his boat securely rigged on top of the roof. “The sound was my car door, I’m going rowing. Helen is soon back, she’s out back getting the oars for me.” Philip noticed his strange stare and realized he had nothing on. He crossed his arms trying to look as casual one could be when they had run outside in boxers by the sound of a car door slamming shut. “Oh.” He nodded feeling awkward. “Well, I’d better get inside.” He dropped his arms and swallowed hard. Gabe chuckled. “Yeah, I think that’s a good idea.” He rushed inside before Helen got to see him. He ran upstairs and dove under the covers burying his head in his pillow. Lukas who had been looking at his phone gave him a glance, laughed and put his phone down. “What’s the matter?” Philip felt his own smile spreading even though he was still red like a tomato. “NOTHING.” Lukas laughed harder and poked him in the ribs, making sure Philip turned around from the tickling fingers. “Oh it’s something. You’re soo red,” Philip tried to turn around and beat Lukas hands away from him but ended up tickled and laughed harder a blush spreading at the thought of his embarrassing morning. “Where did you run off to anyway?” Lukas' hands stilled as Philip turned to him with a sheepish look on his face. “I heard a loud sound and thought,” he took Lukas hand and intertwined their fingers looking intently at them. “Something happened.” He glanced up at Lukas, whose smile had faded to a frown. “And you ran towards it?” Philip tried to shrug his shoulders and Lukas gave him a stern stare. “That’s the opposite of what you’re supposed to do!” Before Philip could answer there was a knock on the door and Helen peeked in.

“Breakfast ready.” She looked to Philip, she really didn’t want to get his mood down, they had had such a lovely evening, but the case and the graveness of it couldn’t wait. “You should eat properly, we have a long day ahead. Both of you.” They nodded simultaneously before getting up as the door closed. As Philip stood Lukas gave him a look over. He turned around as he noticed Lukas staring at him. “What?” Lukas gave out a chuckle. “You went out in that?” Lukas laughed again. “Outside?” He could tell he had by Philip’s oncoming blush. “I get why you were blushing. That's embarrassing.” He gave out a full wonderful laugh. Philip felt his face heat up but laughed anyway. “Oh, shut up.” He tossed the shirt he decided not to wear at his face. When they had dressed and walked down the stair and eaten most of their breakfast Helen walked in and sat down. She was in sheriff attire and put a notebook and a recorder in front of her on the table. They looked at each other. This was it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter (I am already writing the next one since I can't help myself.)  
> and hopefully I didn't completely get off the track or ruin the feeling from the first chapter.  
> I needed a caring Helen in my life, she has such potential to be a great mother figure! And realistically I don't think Lukas would get off very easy for 1)putting Philip in a dangerous situation, 2) being so mean towards him, for Gabe and Helen to take him in with open arms without reservation.
> 
> It is not beta'd and all that. 
> 
> Please leave a comment if you thought it was too mushy or unrealistic (or even fantastic) so I can make it better!  
> Anything is apricated :)


	3. Not your son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's confessing time. It's bonding time. It's angst time.
> 
> All things are confessed and it's one big mess and supportive mix. Helen tries her best to comfort and calm both boys when they're dealing with the most difficult part of their lives. 
> 
> Bo is not being a very calm and supportive father but is not a completely a bad dad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter, like the rest is not beta'd and I haven't read it through more than twice since I wanted to finish it.  
> And since I love caring Helen and motherly Helen and supportive dad Gabe it's in here. 
> 
> I do not know protocol and witness-stand police work and ethnic, it's all made up based on TV knowledge with a dab of realism. 
> 
> There is A LOT of changing POW (and I don't fancy writing out pow change) so beware! I tried to make it ''easer to follow'' 
> 
> Happy reading!

Helen pulled a pen from her belt and clicked it out and started the recorder. “For now only I will know of this until it becomes official records as evidence. What you say here _will_ be your witness stand, this is done here to eliminate suspicions or rouse attention by taking you to the station as otherwise would be protocol.” It sounded so formal and Helen doubted Philip was paying attention after she said she was the only one who would know but it was necessary. She could not risk having her evidence break any protocol. It had to be airtight so the defiant couldn’t claim uncertain evidence. “Lukas can stay here, if you want to Philip.” She turned her gaze to Lukas. “But Lukas cannot speak or in any way interfere with your stand or he’ll have to leave the room. If that cannot be done, we’ll have to re-do it at the station.” It was directed to both of them. There shouldn’t even be another person present during witness-stands like these but Helen needed all the help she could get to keep Philip calm, which she had recorded before the boys came downstairs where she explained the situation. Lukas nodded and Philip turned his gaze towards Helen and nodded. She looked up as she putting the pen to the pad and signalised to him the start of his witness-stand. “Why won’t you start right before you got to the cabin?”

 

Philip, unlike Lukas, didn’t have much of a problem talking about them, how they met or why they had stayed at the cabin, not even when telling her why he hadn’t said anything sooner made him hesitate.

Each time Lukas heard: Lukas asked me not to, so I didn’t, or heard how Philip had cared more about Lukas’ anxiety than his own to act without his permission made his stomach drop further and further. When he thought his stomach couldn’t get more twisted Philip got to the part where things between them became serious. Philip didn’t go into detail about it all but talking so openly about them and being together still made Lukas skin itch uncomfortably. He caught himself looking at Helen for signs of disgust but they never came, she didn’t even glance his way a single time; she kept her focus strictly on Philip. Lukas had stared so intensely at her trying to read her that Philip’s words had faded out and he didn’t regain focus on them until he noticed Helen starting to frown, a worry crease forming on her forehead. He turned his head to Philip and took in his tensed expression and realized Philip had started to choke on his words and had a hard time getting his sentences coherent. “And then, under, eh. I saw, I was.” He was staring at his hands, which was clasped together on the table; his knuckled was whitening for each passing second. Stress poured out of him, he tensed when he swallowed which made it seem like he tried to stop breathing, staring emptily on the table in front of him. He looked shattered and unravelling. Lukas gripped his hands over Philip’s and smiled reassuring, more in his eyes than lips, he was too worried to smile fully. He realised that Helen had asked Philip to go back to the cabin since he had skipped it and talked about the events afterwards and that was when Philip got squirming.

Lukas took a long deep breath when Philip’s eyes turned to him and Philip mirrored him. Philip closed his eyes for a second, took another deep breath before looking back to Helen. His grip lessened ever so slightly so Lukas took the opportunity and forced his hand between Philip’s so Philip was holding onto his hand instead of crushing his own fingers, allowing him to draw circles with his thumb on the back of Philip’s hand in what he hoped was soothing and reassuring motions.

Philip managed to continue coherently up until the last person was shot. His voice trembled as he told Helen how he had seen the last man fall to the floor and then his voice disappeared completely. He was taking shaking breaths and his grip on Lukas fingers started to hurt. Through the pain in his mushed fingers he felt how Philip’s hands shook. He shuffled his chair closer until his chest touched Philip’s shoulder when he leaned forward. He noticed that the trembles had travelled up Philip’s arms and the memory of Philip’s trembling body in his arms gasping for enough air flashed in his head. He had been so helpless and useless when Philip had needed him. He gave Helen an alarmed look but she was already standing up. “Let’s go outside Philip.” Philip nodded hastily clenching his eyes shut tightly and let himself be raised from the chair and led outside. Helen held her hands on each of his shoulders, stabilizing his shaking steps.

 

 

Philip had wrapped his arms around himself and was holding himself tightly when he stood and was standing awkwardly on the porch, looking unsure of what he was supposed to do. She walked forward and led him down the steps out on the grass so they weren’t surrounded by anything and helped him breath “Breathe in through your nose. Exhale through your mouth,” at first his inhales were shaky and the exhale cut short but as they breathed together he calmed down. He kept his sharp gaze at her the entire time until he relaxed enough to let his arms drop down in his usual crossed armed stance and she nodded approvingly. When a panic attack well started there was nothing to do but ride it through, but calming down before the panic took hold could keep it at bay.

She took a deep breath of fresh air. It was a warm day without being hot. She looked towards Philip and saw the question in his eyes even before he opened his mouth. After Philp and Lukas went to bed the evening before Gabe had asked her about her extensive knowledge about panic attacks. She had then told him that she knew so much about panic attacks since she used to have them. She had dropped all pretence and told him all about the buffalo case. She told him about the box that haunted her, which he confessed he had seen when he found the key under the desk but not looked inside since he didn’t want to know what the box contained; it was not his secret. All he wanted was for Helen to be comfortable enough to tell him about it. Philip had the same exact expression Gabe had had. The one where they know it’s more to the story than she had let on.

Philip locked his eyes on Helen. He was grateful for her knowledge but it was strangely precise to be theoretical. “How come you know how to handle this so well?” and by _this_ he actually meant _him_ just as much as the panic itself. “I used to have panic attacks myself.” He gave her an apologetic look for bringing up bad memories. He could see how they still hurt the second he mentioned it by the way she swept her eyes over the green grass and wide spaces of nature around them.

 

 

“I couldn’t handle the effects of working on a case where a lot of children died. It was a lot to deal with, until I met Gabe.” She smiled and took a deep breath, calming herself. Philip didn’t have to know just how hard they had been to deal with. He didn’t need more tragic stories; he shouldn’t have to be concern, watch what he said to or try to take care of or his mother _and_ his foster mother, which she knew he would try to do; he was that kind of person.

 

 

Philip wanted to hug her when he saw how Helen’s eyes teared up even though she tried to act like she was fine. “Do you think you’re up to continuing?” He looked down to his feet and shifted his weight to his other foot. His heart was still pounding in his chest and the crippling fear and horror of his memories was right at the edge of his emotions but she tried to smile encouraging and Philip knew by the look behind her smile that she wasn’t fine at all. And above all, she wanted to get away from the nasty memories of her past as soon as she possibly could, so he let her.

He wrapped her in a hug and he felt how she wiped her eye over his shoulder before any had the chance to fall. “I’m sorry I’ve been so harsh on you Philip, I didn’t want to be, it’s just – “ She wanted to continue but Philip only nodded and hugged her tighter. He didn’t need a more explicit explanation to understand. He let her go and nodded, keeping his gaze to the grass. “I’m good now.” He turned around to head back inside. He noticed that Helen stood still. He stopped and added over his shoulder: “I’m sorry too. I’m so sorry.” He knew it sounded strange, especially with the way his voiced got thick at the end. He hoped Helen took it as an ‘I’m sorry for the bad stuff you went through’ since his sorry could mean so many things. It could mean so many things because he was sorry for so many things. He was sorry he had lied, he was sorry he had brought up bad memories, he was sorry she had gone through something like that, he was sorry he had caused such a rip between her and Gabe, he was sorry she had to deal with a traumatized teen, he was sorry he was so much to handle, he was sorry everything good he seemed to touch somehow got ruined.

 

 

When Philip let go she wished she had held him tighter. His ‘I’m sorry’ had been heavy and grieving, too heavy to have been a simple and empathic: I’m-sorry-you-went-through-that. She got out of her daze and confusion and followed suit when he opened the door. If she hadn’t been so occupied staring at his back wondering what he was sorry for she would have noticed how he wiped his eyes when he opened the door to get rid of the tears that had threatened to fall.

 

As soon as she sat down Philip dug right back into the story and without hesitation. She noted that Lukas was pacing in the living room. He tried to sit down on the couch now and then but didn’t have the peace needed to stay sitting. She didn’t doubt Philip had told him to the take a break since Lukas kept glancing over to Philip’s turned back, looking for signs that he was needed frequently. Philip was unaware of his pacing boyfriend. He was staring so intensely at the table in front of him she almost believed he would make it combust any second.

When Philip got to the part in the cabin where he turned his head when the steps of the shooter silenced, he shut his eyes tight and put his head onto his clasped hands before looking up to the ceiling taking tensed breaths. She noticed how Lukas looked like he wanted to rush over to his boyfriend but as he couldn’t help he stayed back.

 

Philip was trying to calm himself desperately. When he looked back from the ceiling to the table his eyes were blank and watery holding back tears trying his hardest to calm his breathing. “I turned my head and I froze.” Helen held the pen to the paper and as Philip tried to breathe through the memories she realized why it seemed like he wasn’t calm enough to talk about it yet- even though he said he was good to go - he wasn’t. He had gone back to talk about his nightmare to make her forget about hers and she had been so concerned about not falling apart and on solving the case to realize. Her world froze and shattered. No one his age should even be so self-sacrificing and rational in his care of others. Someone his age shouldn’t put the adults in his life higher than his own comfort. He should be too focused on his own wants and needs, like every other teenager, to rationalize them away, and yet he did. Someone his age shouldn’t have gone through so much to even be able to do that and yet here he was, Philip Shea, pushing himself deeper into his nightmare and further towards a panic attack just to let her escape the memories of hers.

“I looked up and I saw the gun pointed at me. His hair covered his eyes but I **_know_** it was him at the station. I know!” Helen got her head back to the present as Philip’s voice rose. “I believe you Philip.” She covered his clasped hands with her own. “You did really good Philip. We’re done now.” He frowned and before she pushed pause on the recorder he quickly added: “Lukas tossed the gun in the lake because he picked it up from the ground and shot towards the cabin. He thought he killed him.” Helen nodded. The reason to why he had tossed it wasn’t important anymore. They had enough evidence when Philip pointed him out to catch him. “Thank you Philip.” He nodded before he forcefully stood up and went to Lukas walking straight into his arms clinging to him desperately. They stood in the middle of the living room just holding each other until Gabe came back from his rowing trip with lunch ten minutes later.

 

Lunch was eaten in silence. It wasn’t awkward it was heavy and solemnly comforting. They all had a lot to think about. When they finished lunch Helen looked at Lukas until he looked back at her. “We need to call your dad now.” Lukas froze. He knew they had to but his blood ran cold. He felt the panic rise. What would he say? What would he do? What would his dad say? What would his dad do? He had for a second forgotten that the worst part for him was still to come. He had been so absorbed in Philip’s situation to think about his father.

In the end it was Helen who called Bo over. For twenty minutes Lukas sat at their table with his heart in his throat and stomach at the same time waiting for the sound of his father’s car driving up to the house. Gabe had patted his shoulder and told him it was going to be alright, Bo would understand. He clutched onto those words, telling himself over and over again that it would be alright. He would understand eventually, his father loved him. He just had to tell him. His dad would understand once he told him, once he had the courage to be honest, it would all be fine. His world felt like it was tipping more than it had before. It was all set in motion, the ball was rolling and since he couldn’t stop it now even if he wanted to, he’d let it roll. He wouldn’t know the damage until it stopped rolling.

 

Philip wanted to be there for Lukas but he could sense that Lukas didn’t really want his father to walk in seeing his son in the arms of another boy before Lukas had the chance to talk about it so he sat down on the couch. Gabe sat down beside him reading the newspaper, doing the crossword or something. Philip let his head drop in exhaustion for the second day in a row and snoozed against Gabe’s shoulder as the paper rustled with whatever Gabe was doing. He knew Lukas was going to be alright, both Helen and Gabe were there, and Gabe was the kind of person who could calm down a raging bull - Philip didn’t doubt it for a second – an angry Bo was nothing in comparison. He had almost fallen asleep when the sound of a car coming closer hit them. Gabe put the paper down, Helen went to the window, Lukas tensed and Philip opened his eyes and lifted his head and looked worriedly at Lukas and wished Bo would be understanding; he hoped Bo would be the father Lukas needed and deserved.

 

 

The first thing Bo did when he walked in was looking sternly at Philip, to the degree Gabe stood up in front of him as if to say: If you want him, you’ll have to go through me first. The second was to turn to Helen. “Can I get a moment alone with my son?” without even looking at Lukas. Philip saw how Lukas swallowed back trying to hold his tears back already and he wanted to rush forward and hold him.

Helen turned to Bo with a stern face. “No.” Bo looked at her like she had grown another head. Lukas head moved back and forth between his father and Helen. “He’s my son!” Bo balled his hands into fists and Helen saw Lukas move into his chair. “And I’m his security supervisor _and_ leading detective on the murder case he is a key eyewitness. It is my duty to prevent and eliminate outer and _internal_ threats; from bodily harm but also from influences affecting his witness stand; influences such as a person dear to him urging him to change his stand.” Bo took a step back scoffing at her. “I would do no such thing!” Helen took a sterner stance. “and I have no guarantee you won’t.” It looked like Bo wanted to argue but sat down opposite to his son. Helen gave them some privacy but still in earshot and stood beside Gabe and gave Philip an apologetic glance.

 

“You said there were things you needed to tell me.” Bo turned to Lukas looking expectedly and bored at the same time. With an unsure glance towards Helen, who nodded, Lukas started talking. “I wasn’t alone in the cabin. Philip was with me.” Bo gave Lukas a shocked and almost angry look. The further Lukas continued, confessing about them just as much as confessing to the web of lies he had weaved the angrier Bo grew. “I like him dad. Like him like him, he wasn’t lying and causing trouble. I was.” Philip admired the guts it took for Lukas to say it. First admitting he liked Philip and even more so to admit he was the one to blame when his dad had made Philip the scape goat. To admit to one's flaws were never easy and the fact that Lukas was telling his father about them when they had kept quiet about _murders_ because the **_suspicion_** of him being gay scared him more was the bravest thing Philip had ever seen.

 

 

When Lukas stopped talking Bo looked at his son and he grew both weary and angry at his expression. His father was looking at him like if he was waiting for him to tell him they were lying. That somehow Philip had made an extensive master plan and had managed to get Helen and Gabe to convince him to tell lies. Lukas straightened, even though he was taller he, felt small standing up against his father. “And that’s the truth.”

Helen saw anger and confusion spread on Bo’s face but she also saw care. Bo cared about how rumours would hurt his son. Bo worried about hurtful words from narrow-minded people hurting his son and he worried about his son's career being in jeopardy but Lukas needed him first and foremost, his career and his social life should come second, no matter how rattling the news were.

Bo looked towards Gabe for support in his confusion but as he was met with a look of understanding he seemed to revert back into being shocked and angry. “I know it’s a lot to take in-“ Gabe started and took a step forward.

“You knew..” Bo cut in, balling his hands to fists. Gabe looked taken aback and shocked by the comment. Bo shot a nasty look Philip’s way, full of detest; like if Philip had made his son gay.  “about all _this_?” He let Philip go after one more detesting glare and turned his gaze to Gabe like it was his fault all of the sudden. “You knew about it and you didn’t do anything?”

Now it was Gabe’s turn to clench his hands into fists. He stood protectively in front of Philip, blocking Bo’s view of Philip as Philip tried to sink further into the couch getting away from the hateful eyes. “Yes, I knew about _their relationship_.” It looked like Bo was about to voice his blame but Gabe cut in before he could say anything further “Because our _son_ trusts us enough to tell us the **truth**.” His voice was venomous and by the stricken expression on Bo’s face, he knew Gabe had hit a sore spot.

 

Helen shot Gabe an uncertain glance. It had not exactly been out of trust Philip had told them, he had been pressured and told them to cover up a darker secret but it didn’t look like Gabe cared about that. It didn’t look like he cared they didn’t have any legal, justifiable reason to call Philip their son but she didn’t have time to ponder it for long since she was getting worried for Bo. Helen grabbed Gabe’s shoulder, just to make sure he knew he was getting irrational. Gabe’s face was getting very red and it looked like he wanted to punch Bo in the face. Opposite to Gabe’s Bo’s face had drained of colour. Bo’s shoulder slumped and he turned towards the door, “It’s just a lot to take in.” with that he walked towards the door and left.

 

No one moved in the aftershock of what had gone down. It hadn’t involved swearing or even screaming but it had been charged. Gabe stood cemented at the floor not knowing how to handle the situation and Helen glanced worriedly towards Lukas. No one moved until Bo’s car was heard driving.  Philip was the one to move, he quickly stood up and stormed towards the door. Lukas slumped in his chair and had just enough time to register Philip moving and turned around to see him disappear through the door, letting it swing widely with the force he had opened it with. Helen was the quickest to move and looked towards Lukas nodding to Gabe. Lukas was more in need of an understanding adult male, she could explain to Philip Gabe hadn’t meant it as they were going to replace his mother. They could never take her place, she was his mother. Gabe had meant it in a caring way, that he was part of their family and nothing else.

Philip had slowed his steps outside so Helen caught up to him. It looked like he hadn’t known where to go so he had walked towards the road and had then changed direction going back to go towards the barn. Helen jogged towards him and called out “Philip?” She was about rant about Bo being a small-town medieval minded old snart and they hadn’t meant to offend him but it died in her throat. When Philip swirled around his eyes were teared making his brown eyes look impossibly big and vulnerable. She almost regretted letting Gabe stay with Lukas. He was better with the emotional comforting than she was. She was more likely to make him cry than make him stop. She swallowed. Philip thrusted his clenched hands downwards. “I’m not your son!” She for a second regretted Gabe’s use of wording. They would never take the place of his real mom, she knew that and they weren’t trying to take her place. But then he continued. He stared up into the sky trying to push his tears down before looking to her again. The first tear fell inhibited down his angry and hurt face. “You don’t want me! No one would ever want an addict’s teenaged child! Especially not when it’s ME!” Her responses failed her. She recognized that look. It was the same look he had hidden when thanking her for the room upstairs and all that had entailed. He had thanked her to test her and analyse her response but underneath his analysing and off played exterior was the exact same thing as now, under his doubt and denial was hope. Philip was just a boy. Of course he hoped for a safe and stable home just as much as he didn’t believe he’d ever have one.

Before she could reach out for him he turned on his heels and ran. She only stood defeated in the same spot and saw how he ran inside the barn and slammed the big door shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took longer to write than usual because I had to take a break and rewrite a big portion of it after a while since the ninth episode, (Oh gosh the ninth episode!!!) was so intense I subconsciously added much of the feelings and things from the episode into the fic even though it shouldn't even be there! and because it's longer than the previous two.  
> I think I got it back on track.
> 
>  
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did! (and what's up with all my the cliff-hangers?)  
> fear not, Part 4 is on the way
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Philip is still in need of calming, which he gets. Loose ends are tied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I a cheesy bastard? Yes, I am.  
> So will I write family and Philkas fluff (after still dealing with anxiety and reality)? YES I WILL
> 
> Merry Christmas! 
> 
> (STILL a lot of changing POW)

Helen sometimes wished there were two Gabe’s. He was needed with Lukas but she also needed him to help with Philip. She hadn’t been able to stop him and just frozen when he openly showed his feelings. It was no wonder Philip had connected more with Gabe and was more open and talkative with him than with her. She didn’t doubt it was because she had constantly pressured him for information while Gabe lets him tell when he was ready. Gabe’s never ending patience and support was one of his most admirable qualities, one she had hoped after years of marriage would have rubbed off. But she was too much of a detective to turn it off once she noticed something was being kept away from her. She needed to practice to be patient at home and a detective at work. She needed to practice being a mother when Philip needed one and his real wasn’t around. She needed practice on what she should say and do and to not just stand and gawk like she had just done. She wanted to follow Philip into the barn and talk to him, again, but after a second thought went inside. She didn’t know what to do or say; she had no idea how to voice what she wanted him to understand. She needed to figure out how to voice her feelings and reassuring before talking to him. Since she did agree with Gabe, perhaps not as deeply yet, he was still a part of their family now. She sighed in frustration and felt tears burning in her tear ducts. She should _know_ how to talk to her foster son by now, especially when he was putting himself down but she couldn’t. She was positive she’d only make the situation worse. Philip needed Gabe and his calming way with reassuring words.

She went back inside and saw Lukas wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. Gabe patted his shoulder and looked up to her and smiled ever so faintly. Lukas was fine. He was shocked and scared and relieved all at the same time so emotion had taken over. Helen hung back and by the look in her eyes, Gabe knew something wasn’t fine with Philip and she needed to talk to him. As the door behind her didn’t re-open his frown deepened looking out through the window worryingly. After Lukas had sniffled one last time and turned to Helen he stood up.

Lukas had never been one who liked to cry but he hadn’t been able to hold it in. It felt good to have Gabe by his side as the tears were most by shock. He had actually told his dad. His dad had just walked out but he had always imagined something worse, being disowned and told he was a disgrace to his family and that he couldn’t come home. Neither had happened. Even though his father had driven home without him it wasn’t as bad as he had imagined for so long and with that in mind he almost felt hopeful. When he wiped away the last of his tears he noticed that Philip hadn’t come in with Helen and asked: “Where’s Philip?

“He ran into the barn.” Lukas turned around to look at her confusingly. She looked to Lukas with as reassuring eyes as she could muster. He looked confused and a worried frown was starting to appear but as his eyes went from her to Gabe who stood up, noticing the atmosphere between them she could tell Lukas understood it was because of a family thing. Nothing he should worry about. Philip wasn't upset about anything that concerned him. She saw Lukas nod towards Gabe with a small smile, telling him it was okay to go before he himself stood up. “I’ll go upstairs and lay down.” Helen nodded, even though she absent mindedly pointed out to herself that his room was the guest room downstairs.

Helen nodded towards the living room with her eyes locked on Gabe as Lukas started to climb the stairs. He flung himself down on Philip’s bed. Whatever made Philip sad or anxious made his heart pound hard in his chest. He didn’t want Philip to be sad. He had been so sad and heavy lately when he deserved a happy life with a good family. He pondered about what could have made Philip so angry, they hadn’t said anything mean. Both Helen and Gabe had protected him since they were practically family…

It hit him and he wanted to run back downstairs.

 _Because our_ son _trusts us enough to tell us the **truth.**_ Philip hadn’t run out in anger at Bo. If he’d been angry at Bo Philip would have come to him the second he left to fume about his father telling him it was going to be alright. He ran because that's what Philip tries to do when he's hurting. When Philip's hurting he tries to push away and run. Lukas looked through the window at the barn, he wanted to him but there wasn’t anything he could do. Philip was hurting because he didn’t believe Gabe and Helen would want him. Lukas had never heard Philip say it out loud, not even mentioned anything of the sort but he _knew_. Lukas had seen the hurt look in Philip’s eyes the times he’d called his mother a junky - which hurt to just think about - like if his mother's action affected his own worth. Lukas also _knew_ by the way Philip trusted his foster parents, by the way he had tried to pressure Lukas into telling them the truth how much he wanted them as his family. Philip had been so certain everything would be okay if they only told them; it was the kind of unrelentless trust you should have in your parents. Philip liked them even though he tried to hide it, he was never very good at hiding things, though. Lukas had noticed the small smile Philip tried to push down when he had told him about Helen’s fretting and about how Gabe constantly tried to make him row with him. Philip tried to push them away when he realised he cared and feared that they might not; not because Gabe or even Helen had given him a certain reason to do so but simply because he doubted anyone could. Lukas sank further into the bed and wished Gabe and Helen figured it out and prayed they told his stubborn boyfriend that in a way he’d listen.

Gabe saw how Helen’s eyes were tearing up. “What’s the matter?” Helen looked at him with teary eyes, voice trembling ever so slightly, trying to calm the rush of emotions. Philip’s self-doubt struck a deep core in her heart. “I thought he was angry at Bo or because he thought we were trying to take him away from his mom.” Helen took a deep breath calming down ever so slightly. Gabe looked at her, he had believed the same but that wouldn’t explain why Helen's eyes were wet. “He turned around saying he wasn’t our son… and I thought he wanted his mother but..." her voice wavered. "But he doesn’t believe that we want him.” Helen wiped away the wetness from her eyes before tears had the chance to form. Gabe looked at her like he didn’t really understand. “He said he wasn’t our son because no one would ever want him.” Helen sniffled again and Gabe took her into his arms. “I didn’t do anything I just stood there.” He felt how Helen held back her sadness. Nothing really got to her as bad as being helpless. “Shh. It’s okay. He’ll understand. I’ll talk to him. She nodded into his shoulder and he let her go walking with determent steps out the door.

Gabe walked into the barn and Philip was nowhere to be seen on the bottom floor, which meant he had climbed the stairs. “Philip Shea! Get down here immediately!” He hadn’t planned for the first time he ever yelled at his foster son was when he was most probably crying and feeling rather shitty and sorry for himself yet the anger at Philip’s doubt about them wanting him, that that wonderful boy thought no one wanted him and the entire situation got him so mad. He decided he’d just angrily tell Philip they loved him like their son and that if he ever thought they didn't he'd be grounded for months if not years. He would sound so mad Philip never ever doubted their care and love ever again.

Philip had finally stopped his tears from falling only having his breath choking on a sob now and then when he heard the door open again. The footsteps were too heavy to be Helen’s. Great, she had called for backup. She didn’t even bother to go after him. He hadn’t though counted on Gabe’s tone. He quickly got to his feet hurrying down the ladder as fast as he possibly could. He wasn’t scared Gabe would do anything he was just irrationally scared for what was about to come.

Gabe had a very stern expression when he came down and he couldn’t help but turn his head down trying to avoid his piercing gaze. He looked to his feet and felt himself cross his arms, like if his arms could avert the stare down he was receiving. He swallowed. He finally understood what Lukas had said about his dad calling him his full name, that shit’s scary. When he dared to look up to actually look at Gabe’s face he saw that he was angry but most of all he looked… _hurt?_

“Philip.” Gabe definitely sounded angry, and Philip felt how he tried to shrink into a smaller being, very much like Lukas had done when Bo had looked at him almost as sternly as Gabe was currently doing. He was too frozen in the moment to look away. “If you **ever** try to even THINK that you’re even the slightest of unwelcomed here you’ll have house arrest for a week! I will not have any doubt about my foster **_son’s_** place in this house under any kind of circumstances, you hear me?” Philip felt the tears burn in his tear ducts once again. He was being _yelled at_ ; he was getting the first scolding of his life and yet the words were so loving and true he didn’t know what to do with it. He was being scolded for not believing they wanted him with them. All he could do was to swallow again and nod vigorously.

It looked like Gabe deflated. “Good.” They each took one step closer. Philip was uncertain of what he should do, was he on house arrest now or was that just a future reference? His train of thought derailed as Gabe grabbed his shoulders and pulled him towards his broad chest. “You hear me, Philip? I know I’m not your dad, but you’re like a son to me and that won’t change. Your mom is your mom, we know that but that doesn’t mean you’re not our family too.” Philip nodded again feeling his eyes burn. Not until Gabe let go did his brain register that he probably should have hugged back and not just stood there awkwardly feeling relieved. He felt Gabe pat his back as he released him and bent his head ever so slightly to look into his eyes since he had cast his head downwards. He felt himself look up with so much more gratitude than he could ever be able to say out loud and by the way, Gabe smiled and put his arm around his shoulder and led him out told him that he, at least on some level, understood.

As they walked outside he saw how Helen stood up from one of the porch chairs. He felt guilty. She had stood there frozen with such a hurt and sad expression, looking quite bewildered and if he guessed right by the way she was waiting for them to come closer she had also felt guilty for not saying anything. When they neared she stepped off the porch and approached him at a quick pace. Gabe let go of his shoulders with a smile as Helen came near. It was like they could read each other minds.

Helen had no words to tell him so she closed the gap between them with a few quick steps and hugged him. Philip’s taller frame had to bend ever so slightly to let her hug him. After a moment he bent ever so slightly more to put his chin on her shoulder and she felt him wrap his arms around her, hugging her back. She patted the back of his head and let herself drop her own head more into his shoulder. This was the first time she had hugged him. She had said she would before but then the moment hadn’t felt right, she hadn’t even hugged him throughout the course of his panic attack. Gabe had carried him in. Lukas had had him in his arms in the car, during and after the attack. She had calmed him down from his panic attack with soothing movements and pats but she hadn’t hugged him. Even Philip had hugged her but she hadn’t hugged him. She thought it would feel strange hugging a semi-known teenager who was tall and slim as a tree and a lot taller than her but it didn’t. It felt strangely comforting, which was funny since Philip was the one who was in need of comforting.

She let her fingers twirl in the hair in his neck as she held him tight against her. It curled in the nape of his neck like she imagined baby hair did. She had agreed to take in an older foster child because older children listened more to authority. A toddler didn’t care about a badge - underage teens getting caught with alcohol did. When taking in a teen she knew she wouldn’t have to go through all the challenges of having a disobedient baby but when taking in a teenager they had to accept a whole formed person. She hadn’t thought about what would happen if his mother never did recover enough to take him back. She had been so focused on how she was going to deal with him and how to feel about the situation she had thought the moments away. She had saved the polaroid picture of them in her car because it made her happy. When he had called to get taken away she had rationalized and thought it might be for the best but she hadn’t given herself time to feel anything about it. She had been so caught up in the feeling that he hid something, which he had, that she had missed the warm person he was.

She felt her own eyes tear up, again. She wasn’t a mother by a long shot, she still felt infuriatingly unused and unprepared for parenthood but she didn’t want Philip to go. When the entire mess was cleared out things might feel even a whole lot better than now. He had a good home with them and she’d hate to see his talent and warmth wear away in mistreatments of foster homes. He had a possibility to a real family and a really great dad with Gabe; Gabe had already proven that. “You got the room upstairs for a reason Philip.” She heard just as much as felt his sniffled intake of air. She surprised herself just as much as she surprised him and held him impossibly tighter. She had been upset with Gabe for making the decision for them on his own in the beginning but she knew it was the right one. She let him go, grabbing his arms to keep him in her hold. Philip dried his eyes with his t-shirt sleeve and they both laughed as she did the sam, clearing the water from her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. Philip didn’t seem a hundred percent convinced still but he seemed happy, happy for real.

When they got inside it felt like all the angst and worry flew out of all three of them and Helen saw a mop of blond hair peek from the stairs right before Philip declared that he was once again exhausted and went upstairs to join the blond mop of hair which had disappeared out of sight.

Gabe held her as they watched his back walking towards the stairs. They smiled fondly when they heard muffled giggles coming from the top of the stairs. Helen looked up towards her husband, her caring and loving husband, before looking towards the stairs again. “Do you think we should implement a no closed doors policy or is it too late for that?” Gabe only chuckled. “I think it might be too late for that.” Together the pair prepared dinner and before bed they had implemented a no-locked-doors policy along with if-you-have-what-sounds-like-a-panic-attack-again-we-might-rush-in-so-beware policy.

The very next day they needed to get to the station. As much as they wanted, they couldn’t cocoon themselves in the house and ignore the real world. Helen had scheduled an appointment with a sketch artist for Philip, her work was calling, the severity of having an FBI agent as suspect was too grave to wish away.

Helen hadn’t counted on Bo waiting outside the station. She had called him that Lukas was going to the station with them and thus given him the opportunity to talk to his son but she hadn’t believed he would.

Lukas looked just as confused and surprised as she did. Philip looked more angry than surprised when he stepped out of the car beside Lukas. Before any of them moved Bo walked up to his son and hugged him in a bone crushing embrace and as Helen and Philip started to slowly move they heard him muttering “I’m so sorry, Lukas. I love you.” Over and over again. When Bo let go his eyes were wet and Lukas looked relieved.

Both Helen and Lukas had sat beside Philip the entire time he described the shooter and Helen quickly called a break when Philip’s breath was coming out short. Tony had been briefed the same morning when he asked why Philip was the one who was talking to the sketch artist. He calmed down and had looked at Helen just as intensely as he had the previous day and this time around she could see the trust. Philip looked at her with a specific certainty; he knew she’d make it better and get him through the raising fear, and it made a motherly part of her heart flutter.

Philip had just gotten a paper bag to breathe into as he had finished his description and the sketcher was drawing away. The sketcher turned her pad around. “Is this him?” Philip looked up before nodding and leaning his head between his legs. It looked like he wanted to vomit. Helen grabbed the paper and it looked _suspiciously_ much like Ryan. So much it was no doubt it was most definitely him. Helen couldn’t believe she had been so deceived. She had given him direct access to evidence, to the case, and she had not once questioned why she hadn’t seen the lab results about the gun nor the rape case herself she had just accepted his word. How many times hadn’t she gotten so close to figuring all out? How close had she been of being killed herself getting too close?

Lukas was drawing circles on his back with his palm when Helen heard the door open and Tony shout a panicked 'Hey!'. Helen stood up and saw Ryan’s familiar black hair. She abruptly stood up and pulled the curtain. She felt her own fear grow. She stepped out of the room and closed the door.

The office was so crowded. Bo was sitting on a chair waiting to bring Lukas home after their testimony and the two boys and the sketch artist was sitting in the closed office she had just closed the door to. Tony was there trying to stall Ryan by the door. “Tony, I’m here to see what happened to the witness I’m supposed to protect. Helen what is going on? Where’s Lukas? I was supposed to take him two days ago.” She made her mind up, gripped the sketch tight and walked up to Ryan. “Our sketcher drew this.” She held it up and she saw the fear and guilt flash in his eyes. He looked like a caught rabbit. She saw Tony’s eyes widen as he saw the resemblance and how he reached for his gun. She noted how Ryan’s eyes darted around the room and fear grew in her of what he would be willing to do to get out of the situation. “He pointed you out. You’re under arrest.”

Bo’s head shot up and he was about to stand up when Helen shook her head holding up her hand towards him to make sure he stayed put. She heard Tony click on the handcuffs and turned towards Bo after taking a precautious step from Ryan. She held him down while Tony led Ryan towards the holding cell. She ordered Bo outside and got inside the other room to fetch Philip.

Philip knew something was up by the way Helen ordered him to look down or towards the door when they walked out of the room which had had no sight outwards after she pulled the blinds and closed the door. He had noticed the strange look on her face but didn’t dare to ask anything. His heart was pounding and he had a clear guess of who had walked in and later led towards the holding room, even though he’d only seen the shape towards the curtain. He knew who was staring daggers at his back as Helen walk him out. The walked a good distance from the station before Philip turned around. Bo had stayed outside looking furious, demanding Ryan to be shot on spot just for good measures to keep him away from his son. “We’ve got him.” She looked to Lukas and Philip. “We got him. You’re safe.” They looked disbelieving at her. Philip more so, or she could have been fooled by the way he still looked nauseous. Lukas gave out a slow relieved chuckle. “We’re free. We’re fine!” He took Philip into his arms but Philip still didn't look relieved. He kept glancing at the station with a weary look knowing who was inside, worrying he'd break free and come running out the doors any second. He should be feeling safe but reality hadn't settled yet.

Helen got Gabe to drive to the station to get Philip back home so she could finish up. She needed to talk to Camille who had been buzzing at her like an angry bee. When she finally got home Philip was asleep in Gabe’s lap, knocked out on the couch just like the two previous nights. The only comfort was that it was finally over. He wouldn’t have to fall asleep before dinner due to exhaustion by anxieties. They did though have to force him to talk to a therapist the following week but it turned out to be easier getting Philip to admit he couldn’t swim, teach him how to - even though he constantly told them he was dying of embarrassment when they did - and then get him to row with them, than it was to get him to go to another session.

Lukas had gone home with his dad but he had the following week come to pick Philip up for school, or drove him home if Helen had insisted on driving Philip herself, she knew Philip most definitely enjoyed being driven by Lukas in the warm summer air with no jacket, be she liked driving him too. A few times after driving Philip home, and what she assumed was snogging him mercilessly Lukas stayed for dinner. Philip was still not very keen on staying at Lukas’. Bo was understanding; but that was mostly it.

Of what Helen had gotten out of Philip about school after a few weeks was that Helen’s final public statement about the case, with the lack of details in itself, had started speculations and rumours flew. It spread like wildfire at school that Lukas and Rose were no longer dating and that Philip and Lukas were seen hanging out.

There had been a gigantic buzz when Philip had been seen getting a ride to and from school by Lukas and had that the duo started to hang out even at school. But as Philip was more included being Lukas friend and to his surprise Rose’s - who had one day confronted Philip in the hallway and confessed she already knew about them - and more people got to know him the buzz died down. He wasn't the 'new exciting' or 'freak' kid anymore. He had said that, with the faintest smile, seemed like he was 'only Philip'.

There were only lingering thoughts about whether Lukas and Philip were an item or not. Most people thought so, they couldn’t stop staring at each other and sit impossibly close but they never did more at school, some touching here and there, holding, but no kissing, well at least not in the beginning. Lukas hadn’t told his sponsors about his relationship status since they hadn’t asked. They had though seen Philip’s videos and told Lukas to hang onto him, he was talented.

So Lukas did. He knew Philip was the guy for him. It’s him and no one else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, I'm not going to finish the entire case  
> AND I KEPT MY PROMISE OF 4 CHAPTERS!
> 
> Hopefully, it's not as abrupt or short cut as I fear it is.  
> I just wanted to tie loose ends while still getting it out.  
> I could not leave so many things unsolved and anxiety and PTS isn't something that's magically cured. 
> 
> I hope I had enough angst in happiness in here to get this story the ending it deserves!
> 
> (I might make a part two to follow up since I need Philkas in my life even though the show is over, dealing with the court but we'll see. Not making any promises)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this as much as I did!

**Author's Note:**

> I have not planned on making this a very long fic with total closure of the case.  
> But I am already working on part 2. i don't know it if it'll be just two charters or perhaps longer. (maximum of four)
> 
> I have not own experience calming someone who's having a panic attack so the soothing, calculable motions Helen does is something I've read, I'm not sure if it's 100 % accurate!


End file.
